I started wearing makeup when I was 13 years old, when I was suffering from a severe case of teenage acne. I would hide behind layers of foundation to hide the stubborn hyperpigmentation marks and spots that never seemed to stop appearing on my face.

My makeup dependence continued throughout college and my 20s. As an adult, I’ve yearned to be like my colleagues who have perfect skin. Some of my friends who have a few spots do not seem to mind stepping out barefaced. I never had the confidence to show my face to the public without makeup because I am generally too ashamed of my acne. Stepping out of the house sans a trace of makeup has always been a battle for me — even when the lockdown was imposed. 

I wanted to break free from all the cosmetics I slather on my face. But each time I see myself in the mirror with all the marks and eye bags, I’d cave in and reach out for my concealer and mascara.

The weird thing was that even after the lockdown was announced last year, I still had the strong urge to wear makeup even if I knew we were all staying at home. When I’d go to the grocery store, I would still put on the whole enchilada, even if I knew I would wear a face mask and a face shield anyway. But later on, it just didn’t feel right anymore for me to hide my real skin three layers deep. My skin was suffering, and I was suffering inside too. I knew something had to change. 

I told myself that I would start by sticking with a skincare routine. It was like a mission to rebuild my skin after those years of being smothered by makeup.

I’ve developed a minimalist morning skincare routine for me. I’d start with a gel cleanser with salicylic acid to lessen the oil, and then I would proceed with a toner. When I would feel a bump or two, I’d just put on a spot cream. I’d end my routine with a moisturizer and a dollop of sunblock. 

I started to let my skin breathe for a day or two. Then those two days turned to two weeks. Weeks went by, and I realized that I already stopped wearing makeup for months. Sticking with the clean skincare routine was a bit of a challenge initially. But after a month or so without makeup, I realized that my skin looked okay.

My skin actually looks almost normal except for my oily T-zone and large pores (thanks, genes!). Achieving a somewhat “normal-looking” complexion is all that I want anyway since I have acne-prone skin.

Later on, I’ve become brave enough to face the world without the heavy concealer and lipstick. When I go out, I am content with wearing just my tinted sunscreen, a bit of mascara and my trusty lip balm. Feeling great about my skin without the whole makeup shebang has allowed me to appreciate more the art of applying it whenever I would decide to play with makeup. There are very few days when I would still wear full makeup at home but just for fun– to spice up my mood and feel a little more empowered and glammed up so I can take on the daily grind of being a lifestyle writer. But I do not feel the need anymore to hide my skin behind layers and layers of makeup to conceal my insecurities. I’ve realized, now I can see cosmetics on a totally new light. That I can use it whenever I feel like being creative or playful with it, but there’s no strong need for it anymore because I am as beautiful without it. 

The thing is, I’ve realized that people do not even notice when I am not wearing a stitch of makeup. I was just too conscious of everything that I saw in the mirror. But now I understand that putting on makeup should not be a performance for others. I can decide when to wear and not wear it, because there is no need to impress others. 

Going makeup-free is one of the best decisions I’ve made during the lockdown. Old friends would even comment that I look younger. I just wish that I was not too insecure before to love my imperfect skin. Now my skin feels a bit freer. I feel more comfortable with it, too. And I love that about myself. 

I still have a long way to go before I fully embrace my skin — spots and all. Sometimes, I would still feel a little disappointed when a bump would appear, especially if I felt like I did everything right with my skincare routine. But I am grateful to finally have the time to work on my relationship with my skin. 

I hope to move forward with this newfound self-acceptance and self-love when the world opens up again.