I would always see in my newsfeed that 2020 is dubbed as the year of breakups and heartbreaks, and some studies by dating sites would even confirm it. Personally, I can say I am one of the statistics, as I went through a breakup shortly before the pandemic even started. Even though the separation was amicable, it left me reeling because the pandemic triggered the fear of the unknown even more. I immediately thought the future was lost because I was not with the person I loved anymore.
Going through the motions of moving on during the first months of pandemic was truly unpleasant. I had to cope with all the changes like working from home, while thinking about my parents who are both based in New York. Losing your significant other, and your supposedly future together, was just depressing.
Throughout the pandemic, I thought I had to claw my way out of the anxiety hole alone. As I did decide to see a therapist, I was faced with the process of confronting my lovelorn situation.
Surprisingly, being single during the pandemic led me to being more compassionate with myself. It was an unknown concept to me, as I always thought that it’s more important to be empathetic and think of other people first. Especially so during the pandemic when you’re given new eyes to see the struggles of other people. You’d think, oh they have it worse, and thus, it makes you feel guilty to even address your own sadness. But being single for the first time in years, and amidst this pandemic, just made me learn to face and address my own wheels of emotions: from grieving, the bouts of loneliness, and all the trappings that come with the thought of you’re now all on your own.
I stood on shaky ground during the first months post-breakup because I was used to having my boyfriend by my side. It was just even harder with the pandemic because the world seemed to be crashing and you’re all alone to see it– you’re without that familiar companionship. When the opportunity of exploring an isolated life alone came, I had to ground myself and find my center. To look inward for a source of strength. It was definitely difficult, but it was a process that I would go through again if I could. It was uncomfortable, yes. But at the end of that tunnel, there was a sense of peace from the realization that I actually have everything I need within myself to be whole. That I am not a half of a whole, that happiness does not need to come from another person.
Honestly, there were times when I would miss the thought of having a partner. I’ve been tempted to try virtual dating. But I just can’t muster enough energy to step into the dating world again, be it physical or online. Not yet at least. Plus, the thought of opening myself up to another person whom I never met personally just gives me that draining feeling.
I already forgot what it was like without making someone else my priority. So I started putting back the pieces of the puzzle, recalling who I was before I was ever in a relationship in the first place. I rekindled my love for creating accessories and found a new love for plants.
I continued exercising regularly that I can say that my 2021 body, the result of all those workouts, is my fittest yet. Also, I finally had the courage to enroll and work on my Master’s Degree, which I’ve been wanting for a long time. With so much free time at home, I was able to rediscover myself. There were no distractions on my healing process except for the usual professional and domestic duties.
I am thankful that I’ve sheltered in a place with my siblings and our dog. My friends would always lend an ear when I’d need a good laugh or a deep conversation. That kind of space allowed me to come to terms with my emotions and needs positively. After a few months into the lockdown, I started to plan my future again, with just myself in the center of it all. No more thinking of, “How about my other half?”. And quite honestly, the future looks rosy from where I am seeing it now in this phase and stage in my life, regardless if a lover comes along or not.
At this point, I have no idea what will happen with my dating life. But it is liberating to know that I can actually be happy on my own– at peace with just loving myself and my life.