I first heard the word “gaslighting” two years ago when a colleague tweeted about how an officemate made her second-guess her feelings while in the office. Up to that point, I never had a word for that phenomenon. I have had my fair share of that feeling of being gaslighted in my life, but I never knew that putting a name on it would make it more real.
Stories flashed back in a flurry. That time when someone said I had a weak character because I simply expressed that I felt uncomfortable during a meeting, a manipulative ex who questioned my assertion about him cheating (when he was, in fact, cheating on me), and when I had to bend over backwards just to stay in a job. I don’t want to be the victim here, but it’s just so easy to be in that emotionally abusive space when there’s a lack of self-awareness and confidence. So I used to stay and just roll with the punches not knowing that I was in for an unhealthy pattern of emotional abuse.
Gaslighting can rear its ugly head in conversations. Notice how friends or family can brush away a feeling that you had by saying “it’s not all that bad”, or trivializing what you went through with a comment on being “too sensitive” or “too emotional”. When your viewpoint is deemed invalid, you are left wondering if you saw things accurately. The thing is, no one should question your perception on situations, feelings or outlook and then make you feel small for simply being human who’s capable of feeling your emotions.
Truthfully, it can be tough to distinguish if comments come from a place of ignorance or just manipulation, especially since gaslighting can also come from loved ones. Through the years, I’ve realized that gaslighting can range from subtle to intense, like what successful pop star Britney Spears has had to face in her conservatorship bout with her father Jamie Spears.
Gaslighting is one of the oldest tricks of a narcissist. Mayo Clinic defined narcissist as a person who has an inflated sense of his or her importance that his or her opinion can invalidate what you are feeling, and that he/she can psychoanalyze you. Because this person has a deep need for excessive attention, approval and admiration from other people, he or she won’t ever acknowledge his or her wrongdoing and twist stories at the expense of making you look like “just being crazy”. Narcissists have a total lack of empathy, and have a deep sense of need to manipulate you by concluding that what you are going through is not real and something you just imagined. These abusive narcissists can even go as far as controlling the narrative by telling you and other people that you are just mentally and emotionally unstable, simply because you made them aware of your thoughts and feelings.
The truth is, no one should ever tell you or dictate you what you feel or should feel, then completely ignore your experience and pass it off as you are just being unstable. No matter how much the abusive narcissist claims that he or she loves you, he or she can still never see the world from your point of view and feel what you feel and thus, should never make you feel like your feelings are not valid, or you “just imagined things”. When someone makes you feel like you are just being crazy or being overly sensitive for simply expressing your perceptions and emotions, that’s emotional and mental abuse right there. And quite frankly, that’s one of the most evil things someone could ever do to you regardless if that person is your family member or even a close friend. You have every right to feel safe with your emotions in all your relationships. And if someone in your circle makes you feel that you have to question your thoughts and emotions because according to them you are just being crazy, my advice is to prioritize your mental and emotional health by cutting off the abuse from people who do this to you. Because simply put, you don’t have to put up with such manipulation no matter how light or serious the case of gaslighting is.
If you are reading this and finally understanding that you have been gaslighted one too many times by the people you love, you can still pick up the pieces and change your situation. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist, explained in this video that the surefire ways to know that you are being gaslighted in a relationship is when you feel like you have to record all your conversations, and that you have to explain yourself through a letter or email thinking that the gaslighter won’t interrupt you on paper. Dr. Ramani said that both tactics do not work because the gaslighter will never listen anyway, because he or she is a narcissist.
Dr. Ramani further explained how to act around a gaslighter:
- Don’t engage when you are told that you are too sensitive or too emotional because “you will not win at this point”. Dr. Ramani further explained that these statements exposed that this person will just emotionally abuse or manipulate you.
- Know if your gaslighter is using deflection to make you look bad. For example, you might want to talk about a situation, but the other person starts to raise a past issue that refocuses on your past mistakes. Dr. Ramani said that you can gently go back to the original issue or simply end the conversation, especially if the other person keeps harping on past issues.
- Be aware when a gaslighter said that a situation didn’t happen. But if you ever get the chance to prove that something did happen, you have to be ready to face anger or deflection from a gaslighter. The best way is to end the conversation.
Don’t be afraid to talk about your situation
Dr. Ramani said that it’s best to seek professional help, talk to a friend, and know the direction of the relationship. It pays to learn more about the situation because then you will know how to deal with gaslighting in its different degrees and forms. Just remember that you have to hold on to what you know. And remember this: no one should minimize your reality for anyone’s sake. It won’t be easy to create boundaries, but know that prioritizing yourself and your mental health should come first, always. No one should invalidate the way you are feeling, ever.